Thursday, August 10, 2017

Unsolicited dick pics? Try phallomancy!

Sometimes, pics of a dick you have actually asked to see can be nice... But nobody enjoys getting pics they never requested in the first place. For me, it's a bit like having a cat bring you a hunting trophy -- I can see that they're very proud of what they've done, but it's still gross and I definitely don't want to go anywhere near it.

That's okay, though. As it turns out, all those unwanted doinger messages may have a use: phallomancy.

Phallomancy is, like its name implies, the art of divination by observing someone's junk. (It's like palm reading, but, if you do it too much, you'll get hairy hands and go blind.) From what I've gathered, it initially arose in India, Tibet, and China long, long ago, and most predictions seem to revolve around how prosperous the owner of said phallus can expect to be in this life and what kind of sexual partner they are. That's kind of unsurprising -- according to a lot of magick practitioners and tarot readers, dudes tend to be more preoccupied with how soon they'll get rich, while ladies tend to care more about emotional love.

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone has tracked stats for agender or otherwise nonbinary individuals. I know I'm mostly preoccupied with when my next opportunity to take a nap or have a slice of pie will be, but your mileage may vary.

Receive a dick pic, send back a dire prediction and a PayPal bill for your time.

(Not in the mood to stare at an utterly unwanted upstanding member any longer than it takes to close a message and hit delete? No worries -- make it up. The owner of said strawberry snake probably won't know the difference anyway.)

[caption id="attachment_3814" align="aligncenter" width="513"] By my calculations, it looks like you can look forward to a short life of penury, right before dying in a freak dakimakura pillow accident. Also, you might want to get that purple spot on the side looked at.[/caption]

So, ready to satisfy some dick-reading curiosity? Okay!

For the purposes of phallomancy, one-eyed weasels of over 3.5" are considered long, while those under that are considered short. My sources did not specify whether this length was "shown" or "grown." 

Long dongs: A sign of an extroverted lover. Innovative and experimental, this person has an appetite for new tricks and experiences. In Tibetan lore, this is a sign of bad luck. If a pleasure pickle is able to reach the base of a person's feet when they squat, their life will be full of sorrow. Their life will be marked by poverty, and they will have no sons.

("No sons" and "misfortune" are pretty strongly linked in a lot of these old resources. Considering that sperm cells determine the sex of offspring, this is an ironically enlightened view compared to notable examples in European history, where women were blamed for producing female children. *cough*Catherine of Aragon*cough*)

Teeny peenies: A sign of a lack of confidence, this person may be short-tempered and lack exciting tastes. If it is straight and slender, they will be rich. Overall, it is considered more fortunate than having a big baloney pony.

Head shapes: A perpendicular pickle with a pointed tip indicates a dominant, independent personality, one who may have trouble relaxing. This person is idealistic, but, if they are also long and thin, may be selfish. If the middle is raised, they better hope they're into cattle ranching -- they will have many cows.
Blunt bananas are, like square hands in palmistry, signs of practical personalities. They may tend to show, rather than tell, when it comes to their feelings. If it dips in in the middle, the owner will be poor and have daughters.
A bulbous blind butler indicates a high sex drive. This person can easily separate love and sex in their mind.

Girth: A thick thrill drill indicates a lot of energy and determination. The wider it is at the base, the more the owner values their independence. A skinny skin flute is a sign of a sensitive, romantic lover. They are emotionally expressive, but may be all talk.

Curved: If a person's chili fry curves to the right, this indicates someone who is generous in bed, but also probably doesn't know what the phrase "TMI" means. If it curves to the left, this indicates someone who is more of a "taker" than a "giver," and who is a closed book.

Kinked: Other than Peyronie's Disease, a kinked kielbasa indicates a lecherous, selfish personality. This person has no qualms about lying or cheating to get what they want. If a dong is long and bent, it indicates someone who is less than trustworthy.

Bent at the bottom: A wonder worm with a bend in the bottom indicates someone who is afraid they stick out like a sore thumb. They feel that others around them lead charmed lives, while they're perpetually the underdog.

Texture: A smooth Spurt Reynolds indicates a smooth personality. This person is able to go with the flow, adapt to changes, and trust their intuition. A bumpy bald-headed giggle stick is the opposite to a smooth one -- this person doesn't enjoy a "let's see" approach, and prefers to create an entire plan of action.

Jizz: If it smells sweet, this person will be rich. Salty, he'll live in poverty. Fishy, he'll have many children (I guess you'll have to look at the shape of the tip to tell if they'll be sons or daughters?). If it is runny, he'll live a comfortable life and have a lot of daughters.

Balls: Even, perfectly matched testicles mean the owner will be a king. Mismatched testicles are a sign of lechery.

If you have the sender of the stray slim jim's email, you can bill them for your time. I can't guarantee they'll pay you, however. They'll probably protest that they never asked you to read their rod, but you never asked to see it in the first place. A dating profile disclaimer stating that all disembodied dongles will be met with divination and a bill might be helpful.

Do you do any body reading? What led you to it?


  1. OMG. I'M DYING. This was equal parts hilarity and informational. I'm totally going to read my man his phallomanc, and I think he's not gonna love it 😂😂😂

  2. Lol, glad you liked it! I read it to my S.O. too, he was... also not as amused. 😁