Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Easy Prosperity Magick

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So, you could use a little boost to your finances and general abundance. Maybe you've already tried some of the things I mentioned the other day, and are ready to add some metaphysical "oomph." Awesome!

Using the moon and planetary times.

First things first, I want to preface the rest of these spells by pointing out that they're best worked when the timing is on your side. A waxing moon will help draw things to you. Thursday (ruled by Jupiter) or during a Jupiter hour also bodes well for increase. (Be specific about what you want to increase, though -- it doesn't discriminate!)

Got all that? Great!

Be specific and sensible.

With money magick, in particular, I've found that it helps to be specific about where you'd like it to come from. Many a person has asked for more money, only to be loaded up with unwanted overtime at work instead of getting the windfall they hoped for. It's also good to be sensible -- the universe has to shift a lot of things to help you win the lottery (especially against everyone else who's working magick for the same exact thing!), so don't be surprised if a high-stakes prayer isn't necessarily successful right away.

Prosperity Sweetening Jar

One of the simplest prosperity spells I've ever worked on is the creation of a sweetening jar. It takes a bit of time, but it's pretty easy and self-explanatory -- you take a jar, load it up with curios related to the situation you want to "sweeten up," and add simple syrup or honey to fill. Some say that simple syrup works a little faster than honey, while others prefer honey for its symbolism (it comes from bees, hard little workers that they are) and golden color. Use whatever feels most appropriate to you, and keep track of how well or how quickly it works.

Money sachet.

Sachets or charm bags are good for stashing in a purse, pocket, wallet, or wherever else you keep your dosh. They're simple to make, too. You need:

  • A square of green or gold cloth.

  • Green or gold thread.

  • Money herbs, stones, symbols, etc. Cinnamon sticks, small chunks of citrine or pyrite, paper play money, real coins, and other small, prosperity-oriented or symbolic objects work here.

Shiney Gold! 1 PYRITE Cluster Rough Nugget Stone Medium .75"+ Chunk aka Peru Fools Gold Healing Crystal and Stone #PR03

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Shiny pyrite clusters from BlissCrystals, one of my favorite crystal suppliers.[/caption]

Lay out the square of cloth. Hold your hands over it, envisioning money raining down in a shower of glittering, golden or green energy to fill the cloth. If you're working toward a specific amount, keep that number firmly in your mind. You can say a chant here if you wish. A simple, no-frills one might be:

"Money, money, come to me,
As I do will, it must be."

Then, take each of the herbs or curios into your dominant hand. Hold them there, while you visualize filling each one with golden, abundant energy. Place them in the cloth, and tie it securely with the thread. Keep it where you keep your money (or, if you're like me, your bank cards).

Note: If you choose to use a green lodestone or any other magnetic ingredients, don't keep it near your cards! 

Use candle magick.

Candle spells can be as simple or as complex as you'd like. In their simplest form, they entail choosing a candle of the appropriate color, visualizing it filled with the energy you need, and burning it at the proper time. For added power, they can be dressed with the appropriate herbs, anointed with the right oils, and burned while you pray or meditate on your desire. For a relatively short, one-off spell, your best bet is to use a small chime candle (or even a birthday candle). For a longer one, a seven-day or thirteen-day candle is best.

If you are not yet at a point in your practice where you're comfortable dressing a candle yourself, there are plenty of beautiful, effective prosperity candles made by other practitioners that can aid you in your practice:

Prosperity Money Candle

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Prosperity Money Candle, by WitchyDantura.[/caption]

Money candle

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Money Candle, by WitchyPotions.[/caption]

Mo Money Candle, Hand grub, Voodoo, Hoodoo, Conjure, Hand Grubbed, Ritual, Pagan, Wiccan

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Mo' Money Candle, by HonoringMotherEarth.[/caption]


Dress your money.

One very common, simple means of prosperity magick is to dress or anoint the money you've got. Some people use two dollar bills or silver Mercury dimes for this, others just use whatever's currently in their wallet. The process is simple: Choose whichever coin or bill is going to be your prosperity magnet, visualize it multiplying, dust it with money-drawing powder (or ground cinnamon) or anoint it with a money-drawing oil, keep it with the rest of your money, and don't spend it. As long as you have it, it will bring you monetary luck.

There are loads of recipes for powders and oils online, or you can find them pre-made at botanicas or occult shops. For a simple homemade powder (made from ingredients you probably already have), you can use any combination of:

  • Ground cinnamon

  • Dried basil

  • Dried chamomile

  • Dried thyme

  • Ginger

  • Cloves


Worse comes to worst, keep a container of pumpkin pie spice handy -- it contains many powerful money-drawing herbs (and a couple others that are good luck for gamblers). 

I haven't tried to work any spells to actually get rich (if I need something, I usually work magick to get that specific thing, rather than money for its own sake), but I've always had money when I've needed it. Do you work prosperity magick? What are your favorite ingredients? Let me know if there are any powerhouses I've missed here!

Monday, August 28, 2017

Money for nothing?

Note: None of the publishers of these apps paid to appear here -- these are just some apps and sites that I've found very helpful. That said, some of them do offer incentives for using the links or promo codes that appear here. Thank you for helping to support this site!

Well, "money for not much time or effort," at least.

If you're unemployed, underemployed, or just employed in an unconventional career (hi, hello, it me) then it can be difficult to sock any cash away for a rainy day. Or worse, try to figure out how you're going to retire (and not spend your golden years eating uncooked dumpster ramen out of a boot). Even with relatively spartan spending habits, scraping some dosh together isn't exactly a walk in the park. I'm lucky in that I'm able to save a small percentage of my income. I've also put together a bunch of ways to supplement that, a couple dollars at a time.

Bear in mind that this income is taxable, so you'll have to keep track of it just like you do the rest of your money. Good tax software or an accountant can help you figure everything out and make sure you don't end up subjected to an audit.

Here's how it goes:

1. Figure out where the money's going to go.

If you want to hold onto some money, where are you going to put it? A conventional savings account may seem like a good idea at first blush, but they're not always the best option for some people. I have both, so I've been able to compare and contrast the two. I'll give you a quick breakdown of my situation in a bit, just to show you what I mean.

Right now, I sock my extra money away using Stash. Stash is an investment app that's cheap, easy to use, and hasn't lost me money yet. I have a portfolio geared towards low-risk, long-term investing. None of my stocks are going to shoot up overnight and make me rich, but I'm not going to lose my shirt, either.

Here's how it compares to my bank's basic savings account:

  • My bank required a $100 deposit to open the account. Stash can get you started with $5.

  • My account's interest rate is around .02%. There isn't really a limit to how much stocks can earn.

  • My bank charges a $12 monthly service charge. Stash is $1 a month until you've got $5k, then 0.25% per year for accounts over $5k.

  • I don't really have any input in how my bank pays my interest -- they could be getting the money from funding projects like the DAPL, or by extending business loans to some rando printing up #MAGA hats in his basement, and they're not obligated to disclose their profit-generating decisions to me. I have no idea. I can choose Stash investments based on what I want to invest in -- environmentally/socially responsible companies, public infrastructure, and more.

  • My money in my savings account is protected. I'm not going to be out money if my bank screws up. This isn't true with stocks -- if a company's stock prices drop, your portfolio loses value. I've chosen low-risk investments to hopefully avoid this, but the possibility's still there.

  • I can instantly transfer money from my savings account to my checking account as needed. Transfers from Stash are more complicated, and take a bit more time.


Stash is just one of many investment apps available, it just happened to be the best fit for me. If you'd like to check it out and get $5 to start you off, click here.

2. Got a minute?

If you do, online surveys might be helpful for you. Paid Viewpoint sends you a short, ten-question survey every day or so. Each survey is worth about $.10, but there are also ample opportunities to answer more specialized surveys for more money. All told, it amounts to about $15 per month on average.

Product Report Card is another option. Their surveys are worth about the same, but they have offers more frequently.

That'll give you a couple bucks per month to sock away in either Stash, another investment app, a savings account, or a safe spot under your mattress.

3. See what your phone can do for you.

Companies are willing to pay actual dollars for information on what you buy and where you go, and there are a ton of apps to that effect. There are even some that will pay you for the privilege of advertising to you on your phone's lock screen.

Fronto uses your phone's lock screen to put up simple, unobtrusive graphic ads. You slide to unlock your phone just as you would normally, and earn points. When you have enough points, you can redeem them for things like gift cards or Pay Pal payouts. It takes a lot of points to add up to real money, but it's a nice, passive way to keep a couple bucks coming in now and then. If you enter the promo code JVAND57, they'll give you an extra 1,250 points to get you started.

Panel App is a market research app that's best for people who aren't that concerned with privacy. It tracks the stores you go to, and pays out points for as long as you have the app installed. That's it -- it doesn't ask you what you buy or what you're doing. Every so often, it'll send you a short survey. If you don't have privacy concerns, this is another nice, easy-to-use, simple app that can throw you a little money now and then.

Receipt Hog is another market research app, but they give you points for every receipt you photograph and send to them. They ask you a couple short demographic questions, and sell information on what you buy to the companies selling it to you. You're not obligated to upload every receipt (don't worry -- nobody has to find out about any late-night trips for a plastic tarp, some pool noodles, and a bottle of K-Y), but, the more often you use it, the more points you earn. Every 1,000 points is worth $5.

4. Get money back.

Another option in the realm of phone apps is Ibotta. This is an app that hooks you up with rebates on things you're probably buying anyhow -- groceries, electronics, pet supplies, you name it. It's easy to use, and you can get a decent amount of money back if you shop carefully. I use coupons and Ibotta to help plan grocery lists, then put the money I get from rebates right into my Stash account. It isn't really generating me any new money, but it's great at helping me save.

That's pretty much it. There are a lot of low-effort ways to get $5 or so here and there, and, when you combine all of those opportunities and deposit their fruits into a bank account or investment app, it adds up. If you're able to get a payout from Paid Viewpoint ($15), Product Report Card ($25), Fronto ($5), Panel App ($5), Receipt Hog ($5), and Ibotta ($20) every month, that equates to $900 a year. Place it into an interest bearing account or stock portfolio, and you have the beginnings of a decent savings!

Next, I'll have something for you on magickal ways for you to boost your cash flow. Do you have any prosperity-growing spells or charms you use? How about any mundane tricks like apps or survey sites? Comment below!

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Curious Things This Week -- 8/27/17

Hello! This week, I have for you:

I made another video! some of my aloe plants are showing signs of scale again, so I thought I'd made a quick video on what it is, what it does, and how to get rid of it.

Killed By A Bear: The Story of a Mysterious Gravesite in California -- "At the top of Grapevine Canyon, sitting under an ancient oak tree, there stands a marker with a strange inscription. The lack of facts about the inscription have lead to many legends surrounding the life and violent death of the man buried under an oak tree in what is now known as Fort Tejon."

Repoto: A Sinking Ghost Town in Greece -- In April of 2012, the town suffered a catastrophic landslide that wiped out many of its buildings. More landslides followed, and the town has continued to vanish ever since.

Loch Ness’ Other Mysterious Residents -- Nessie always gets all the attention, but what about the wallabies?

Students Find Spacesuits In Thrift Store -- They picked up the suits for about two bucks. As it turns out, they're worth more. Like, a lot more.

Lastly, I leave you with this video from the Order of the Good Death:


Friday, August 25, 2017

Calming Charms for Dental Anxiety

I posted yesterday about my fears of freaking out/having a stroke/dropping dead in the dentist's chair. I know I'm not alone in being afraid of the dentist, so, today, I thought I might write about magickal ways to help fight the fear. I've used a talisman to help improve my physical strength before, and it's helped. What can you do to boost your mental resiliency when you're up against something you're afraid of?

[caption id="attachment_3750" align="aligncenter" width="513"] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA[/caption]

As it turns out, a lot.

Note: I don't make any medical claims here -- if you have PTSD from a bad experience or a serious anxiety disorder, it's very important to make sure you're taking care of yourself and getting the help you need. Live therapists are best, since they can tailor your treatment to your needs. Not everyone has the means to see a therapist right away, though, but online programs like e-couch can still help in the interim. 

Moon Magick

One of the easiest ways I've found to help diminish anything, including anxiety, is to take a piece of paper, write down exactly what I'm anxious about, write my intention for my anxiety to decrease, and place it under a quartz point under the (barely there) light of a waning moon.

If that doesn't fit your time frame, flip the wording -- instead of stating that your anxiety decreases, write that your strength, bravery, and resilience inrease, and place it under a quartz point under the light of a waxing moon. Thursdays, especially during the hour of Jupiter, are great for increasing things.

Carrying anti-anxiety talismans or protective amulets

I'm not much into the new age healing properties of crystals, but they have a long history of use as magickally protective objects regardless. Black kyanite, obsidian, and black tourmaline would be particularly helpful for overall protection, while amethyst and blue lace agate are good for calming. No matter which stone you choose, they're good for holding and toying with to keep your hands busy and your mind distracted.

[caption id="attachment_3751" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Amethyst is also inexpensive, and very pretty.[/caption]

Clear quartz, as a colorless, more-or-less all-purpose stone, can pretty much be "filled" with whatever patterns you need it to hold. Give it a good physical cleaning, cleanse it by your preferred method, and hold it in your dominant hand. Hold the thought of calm and peace in your mind, and imagine the stone being filled with this relaxing energy. If you find your mind wandering back to the source of your anxieties, recognize them, let them go, and continue projecting gentle, happy vibes until you feel satisfied that the stone holds all it can. Carry your new anti-anxiety crystal buddy with you in a purse, pocket, or sachet.

If you aren't confident in your ability to keep your thoughts relaxed and peaceful, that's okay! It can be very difficult to try to control your thoughts when you're in the middle of a lot of stress. Place the stone in the middle of a piece of paper, write relevant words ("Calm," "Peace," "Relaxation," etc.) around it, and draw arrows pointing from the words to the crystal. Place the paper and crystal in a moonlit window overnight. If you're able to give it the light of a full moon, or an entire moon cycle, even better.

Some crystal healing gurus recommend fluorite, calcite, amazonite, and aquamarine to help with dental health. While this probably isn't going to cut down on your anxiety in the chair, they might let you avoid having to be there as often!

Herb magick

Many of the herbs recommended to magickally reduce anxiety are relaxing and sedating in their own right. Chamomile, kava kava, passion flower, and lavender have relaxing properties when used medicinally. You can brew a tea using these herbs (or pick up a commercial relaxation blend), and, holding your dominant hand over the cup, picture golden light flowing down and filling it with glittering, positive energy. Trace a clockwise circle over the surface while chanting:

"Anxiety fade, and calm increase,
I shall feel nothing but peace.
No matter how this visit goes,
No trace of my panic will show."

Repeat until you're satisfied that the tea has absorbed all of the happy, peaceful energy it can, then drink.

[caption id="attachment_3752" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Chamomile flowers even look happy.[/caption]

Note Mark II: Herbs used in this fashion have the potential to interact with certain medications -- talk to your dentist or doctor and make sure they're fully aware of any herbs or other supplements you're using. Stay safe!

Candle spells

Like moon magick, this can be taken in either direction. You can release and decrease your pent-up worry and negative emotions, focus on increasing your positive emotions, or, better yet, both.

To chase off worry and anxiety, take a black candle, a pin, and a fireproof candle holder. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and find the seat of your anxiety -- do you usually feel it in your chest? Maybe it's a tightness in your lungs, or a feeling of not being able to breathe. Maybe it's an ache in your shoulders, or an acid feeling in your stomach. Wherever it is, picture your anxiety sitting there as a physical entity. What shape and color is it? A thick, inky cloud? A spiky, sour yellow ball? When you have a concrete image in your mind, hold the black candle in your hands. Picture your anxiety streaming from wherever it sits, down your arms, and into the candle until it has emptied out of you. Then, carve the worries you want to be free of into the candle with a pin. If you have a banishing oil, you can also anoint the candle after carving. Once you're all done, place it in the candle holder, light it up, and say,

"Candle melt and wax drip down,
Worries sink into the ground.
No more stress and no more fear,
Only peace may dwell in here."

To increase positive emotions, take an orange candle, a pin, and a fireproof candle holder. Hold the candle in both hands, and focus on happy, peaceful thoughts. These can be anything, as long as they allow you to project a relaxed, joyful energy. Imagine it flowing down your arms and into the candle like a stream of glittering light. Once you're ready, carve positive words or affirmations into the candle. You can also anoint it with sweet orange oil or honey if you wish. Once you're all done, place it in the candle holder, light it up, and say,

"Warmed by glowing candle light,
No longer feeling worry's blight.
My joy expands, and my peace grows,
All around me, my calm shows."


Do you freak out about going to the dentist? What do you do to keep yourself sane?

Thursday, August 24, 2017

My new dentist *might* accidentally murder me.

Okay, I guess "murder" probably isn't the right word.

As I've mentioned before, I have propranolol for panic attacks. It really helps -- I have relatively few side effects from it, it doesn't take much to do the job, and I don't need it frequently. Since my panic attacks are mostly triggered by the fear of having panic attacks, being able to prevent the worst of them helps a lot.

There's only one problem.

As it turns out, it really really really really doesn't mix well with many types of dental anesthetic.

I have to have carbocaine when I visit the dentist. It takes a little longer to work than lidocaine, but it's otherwise awesome for me. Unfortunately, using propranolol (which I might need just to get me through the door) with carbocaine is not a good time. The two together can have a pretty nasty impact on blood pressure. There are studies demonstrating that propranolol and carbocaine can be used together safely, but it requires extra monitoring because your blood pressure might decide to poop the bed with the lights on. I don't want to worry anyone who might be using either of these drugs (I am not a doctor and, more importantly, I am not your doctor), but I'd also be a liar if I said I wasn't freaked out a bit. For some people, the increased blood concentration of carbocaine is NBD. For others, not so much.
I don't know which one I am.

It is safe to take propranolol and carbocaine together? For a lot of people, the answer seems to be, "Probably." If I needed propranolol to control my heart rate on a daily basis, this would be a different story -- the risks of me skipping a day of medication would definitely outweigh the benefits. Since I only require it for anxiety (and even then, with increasing rarity), I'm not sure that it's worth the trouble. If I know myself, I know that I'd probably be calmer without the added worry that my anti-anxiety meds might cause me complications. Weird, right?

My other concern is intracranial hypertension. I'm probably as tired of writing about it as you are about reading it, but it is kind of a big deal for me, and I appreciate your patience.

I can't lay flat, because I need gravity's help to empty my broken brain. I can't do inversions in yoga, because I might have a stroke. Tl;dr, I'm a bit concerned about rolling up to this poor, unsuspecting dentist and going,

"Hi! I have panic attacks -- by the way, I didn't take the medication that prevents them, because combining it with the weird-ass anesthetic I need might send me to the ER -- and I can't lay flat because I might have a stroke. Oh, I also need an absolute ass-ton of dental work, because I haven't been able to go to the dentist ever since they put me on medication that turned most of me into acid. Have fun, sucker!"

... This dude's gonna hate me.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Rusted Root at the State Theater!

Who doesn't love live music?

I credit pow-wows with instilling me with a love for the electric energy of it from the time I was little. My parents weren't exactly philistines, but there was nothing else that could compare with the deep heartbeat of the drum and the sound of voices singing in unison. My mom was a music lover, though also a controlling person who wasn't interested in anything outside of the handful of classic rock albums she had. My dad was a musician, though I never got to see him perform -- a serious car accident damaged his throat beyond repair, ultimately taking his voice (and nearly his life. I spent awhile thinking he was actually a George Romero-style zombie, but that's another story for another time).

When I lived in Delaware, I was fortunate enough to be pretty close to Wilmington's Grand Opera House. One of my exes and I used to go there fairly often, for concerts or comedy shows. When I moved to California, things got a bit tougher -- not only was I living in a pretty rural area, I was beginning to get very sick, and living with someone who was, at best, ambivalent about going to shows. I actually had the opportunity to see Tom Waits perform at a benefit show, but passed it up when my then-significant-other said he didn't care about it, but was willing to go if I was. It might sound silly, but it's hard for me to enjoy going to an event with someone who's just lukewarm about it.

When my IIH was at its worst and I was downing Diamox like jelly beans, I barely got out of bed. Forget seeing a concert -- I was lucky if I had enough energy and wasn't in too much pain to drag myself into the shower once a week.

It wasn't a good time.

All this is to say that I was finally able to go to a show last weekend.

I've worked hard to get myself to the point where I can kind of function. There's a lot I can't do, but I can go food shopping (with help from my S.O.), shower (with some precautions in place in case vertigo makes me fall), walk a mile, and climb a short staircase. It's not much, but it's a sight better than a year ago when my S.O. had to piggyback me up our apartment stairs!


We went to see Rusted Root (a band I've listened to since I was a wee thing) at the State Theater in Falls Church, Virginia. I was nervous about the venue (would it be hard to get to the bathroom if I needed to? Would I be able to have a bottle of water with me in case I needed it? Would I have to stand the entire show?), but it was much more pleasant and accommodating than I'd even hoped. You can call ahead to reserve a dining table for about $10, but we hadn't realized this -- they no longer took reservations by the time we arrived, but there were still plenty of places to sit right near the bar. We were able to relax and enjoy the show, as well as some nachos and a piece of cheesecake.

[caption id="attachment_3727" align="aligncenter" width="513"] And also this Guinness.[/caption]

I'd never seen Rusted Root in concert before. I know most of their songs by heart, but they'd never come close enough to where I lived. (Supposedly their drummer visited Four Quarters for one of their events, but he wasn't at any of the Wickerman burns I was.) The show itself was honestly pretty great -- it was hard for me not to get emotionally overwhelmed. Nostalgia, relief, and excitement hit me like a fist to the stomach, and I think I teared up a little when I and the rest of the audience sang along. I'm even feeling it a little now just thinking about it.

[caption id="attachment_3726" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Pictured: Me being stoked af. Not Pictured: Me screaming internally because of anxiety.[/caption]

They played a lot of songs from When I Woke, which was a significant part of the soundtrack of my life from middle school to beyond. I don't even really have words for how good it felt not only to hear the music, but to be well enough to enjoy it.

The feeling lasted for a good long while, too, until I got taken out by a drum solo. This is not code language.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. The drummer had some serious skills, and more power to him for being able to pull it off. Unfortunately, bodies are super weird. It turns out that fast music can absolutely affect your heart rate (in this case, "effect" might even be a better word) so a couple minutes of a kickass solo made my still-not-very-well-conditioned heart lose its tiny mind.

At the rate I was going, I wasn't sure if I was willing to wait it out. I didn't have any pain, but I also didn't want to take a pill, wait for it to kick in, and then sit with a headache all evening either. So, instead, my S.O. and I decided to end the night a little early. We still managed to see and enjoy a lot of the show, and we've already been making plans for the next ones we want to go to. Drum solo or no, I am immensely happy and grateful that I was able to experience what I did.

If you ever get the chance to see Rusted Root, I definitely recommend it.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Spread their faces, spread their names.

An American woman was killed on American soil while fighting Nazis.

Nazis that don't want their pictures spread around, because their employers and families might take a dim view of being associated with domestic terrorists. Nazi men and women that are arrogant enough to go out with uncovered faces, knowing their white skin would keep them from serious repercussions even as they ganged up on and beat a man with poles. There are people dedicated to outing these terrorists, and good. Protection of free speech is not protection from the consequences of using it for hate speech, there is a line between free speech and terrorism. These are not just basement dwellers and goofy assholes who bought out an entire Home Depot's worth of tiki torches -- these are parents, siblings, cousins, friends, employees, students, and church members. These are people all around you.

Spread their faces, and spread their names.

Never forget the woman who died standing against them. Her name is Heather Heyer, and she died by the hand of a white supremacist because she said all people are equal.
I honor Heather Heyer as an ancestral hero. She is a modern Valkyrie. May she pass on to her ancestors and her gods and be honored by all those who remember her.

She died protesting Nazis last night.

-- Melissa Hill, "A Pagan Priest’s Response to the Horror of Charlottesville"

It's been said before, but if you've ever wondered what you would've done during the Holocaust or the Civil Rights Era, now you know. This is it. This is the time. Whatever you're doing now -- whether upholding white supremacy, admonishing "both sides" (when only one murdered someone with a car and beat a man with poles), or standing against racism, xenophobia, religious persecution, sexism, ableism, homophobia, and transphobia -- is what you would've done then. There is no need to wonder. Will you let evil triumph by doing nothing?

Honor Heather Heyer. Honor all those who gave their lives and safety in standing against white supremacy. And keep spreading the names and faces of the perpetrators.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Unsolicited dick pics? Try phallomancy!

Sometimes, pics of a dick you have actually asked to see can be nice... But nobody enjoys getting pics they never requested in the first place. For me, it's a bit like having a cat bring you a hunting trophy -- I can see that they're very proud of what they've done, but it's still gross and I definitely don't want to go anywhere near it.

That's okay, though. As it turns out, all those unwanted doinger messages may have a use: phallomancy.

Phallomancy is, like its name implies, the art of divination by observing someone's junk. (It's like palm reading, but, if you do it too much, you'll get hairy hands and go blind.) From what I've gathered, it initially arose in India, Tibet, and China long, long ago, and most predictions seem to revolve around how prosperous the owner of said phallus can expect to be in this life and what kind of sexual partner they are. That's kind of unsurprising -- according to a lot of magick practitioners and tarot readers, dudes tend to be more preoccupied with how soon they'll get rich, while ladies tend to care more about emotional love.

Unfortunately, I don't think anyone has tracked stats for agender or otherwise nonbinary individuals. I know I'm mostly preoccupied with when my next opportunity to take a nap or have a slice of pie will be, but your mileage may vary.

Receive a dick pic, send back a dire prediction and a PayPal bill for your time.

(Not in the mood to stare at an utterly unwanted upstanding member any longer than it takes to close a message and hit delete? No worries -- make it up. The owner of said strawberry snake probably won't know the difference anyway.)

[caption id="attachment_3814" align="aligncenter" width="513"] By my calculations, it looks like you can look forward to a short life of penury, right before dying in a freak dakimakura pillow accident. Also, you might want to get that purple spot on the side looked at.[/caption]

So, ready to satisfy some dick-reading curiosity? Okay!

For the purposes of phallomancy, one-eyed weasels of over 3.5" are considered long, while those under that are considered short. My sources did not specify whether this length was "shown" or "grown." 

Long dongs: A sign of an extroverted lover. Innovative and experimental, this person has an appetite for new tricks and experiences. In Tibetan lore, this is a sign of bad luck. If a pleasure pickle is able to reach the base of a person's feet when they squat, their life will be full of sorrow. Their life will be marked by poverty, and they will have no sons.

("No sons" and "misfortune" are pretty strongly linked in a lot of these old resources. Considering that sperm cells determine the sex of offspring, this is an ironically enlightened view compared to notable examples in European history, where women were blamed for producing female children. *cough*Catherine of Aragon*cough*)

Teeny peenies: A sign of a lack of confidence, this person may be short-tempered and lack exciting tastes. If it is straight and slender, they will be rich. Overall, it is considered more fortunate than having a big baloney pony.

Head shapes: A perpendicular pickle with a pointed tip indicates a dominant, independent personality, one who may have trouble relaxing. This person is idealistic, but, if they are also long and thin, may be selfish. If the middle is raised, they better hope they're into cattle ranching -- they will have many cows.
Blunt bananas are, like square hands in palmistry, signs of practical personalities. They may tend to show, rather than tell, when it comes to their feelings. If it dips in in the middle, the owner will be poor and have daughters.
A bulbous blind butler indicates a high sex drive. This person can easily separate love and sex in their mind.

Girth: A thick thrill drill indicates a lot of energy and determination. The wider it is at the base, the more the owner values their independence. A skinny skin flute is a sign of a sensitive, romantic lover. They are emotionally expressive, but may be all talk.

Curved: If a person's chili fry curves to the right, this indicates someone who is generous in bed, but also probably doesn't know what the phrase "TMI" means. If it curves to the left, this indicates someone who is more of a "taker" than a "giver," and who is a closed book.

Kinked: Other than Peyronie's Disease, a kinked kielbasa indicates a lecherous, selfish personality. This person has no qualms about lying or cheating to get what they want. If a dong is long and bent, it indicates someone who is less than trustworthy.

Bent at the bottom: A wonder worm with a bend in the bottom indicates someone who is afraid they stick out like a sore thumb. They feel that others around them lead charmed lives, while they're perpetually the underdog.

Texture: A smooth Spurt Reynolds indicates a smooth personality. This person is able to go with the flow, adapt to changes, and trust their intuition. A bumpy bald-headed giggle stick is the opposite to a smooth one -- this person doesn't enjoy a "let's see" approach, and prefers to create an entire plan of action.

Jizz: If it smells sweet, this person will be rich. Salty, he'll live in poverty. Fishy, he'll have many children (I guess you'll have to look at the shape of the tip to tell if they'll be sons or daughters?). If it is runny, he'll live a comfortable life and have a lot of daughters.

Balls: Even, perfectly matched testicles mean the owner will be a king. Mismatched testicles are a sign of lechery.

If you have the sender of the stray slim jim's email, you can bill them for your time. I can't guarantee they'll pay you, however. They'll probably protest that they never asked you to read their rod, but you never asked to see it in the first place. A dating profile disclaimer stating that all disembodied dongles will be met with divination and a bill might be helpful.

Do you do any body reading? What led you to it?

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Candles, fudge, Turkish pizza, and a walk by the river.

Last Tuesday was the anniversary of when my S.O. and me started dating. Unfortunately, Tuesday isn't exactly the best time to try to do anything fancy -- it's hard enough trying to get out of the house on a work night as it is! So, we pushed everything into this past weekend, which I am simultaneously grateful and slightly cranky about.

I'm grateful because it was awesome to be able to do so much. We checked out MOM's Organic Market (which we'd both been meaning to do -- I know a grocery store doesn't sound much like a date, but we make it fun to check out new places together, even if they're mundane) and stopped by Pidzza, which neither of us had tried before. It's Pizza with a Turkish influence, and the artichoke pie was very, very good. The cream sauce wasn't heavy or overwhelming, and the toppings combined to make for a very flavorful, well-balanced pizza.

[caption id="attachment_3707" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Artichoke, baby spinach, jalapeƱo, fresh mozzarella and spinach artichoke cream. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it right now.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_3704" align="aligncenter" width="513"] I even dressed all fancy, in my $5 secondhand dress.[/caption]

The next day, the beautiful weather kept up, so we took a day trip down to Occoquan. Occoquan was where we spent our first anniversary after moving to Virginia. It's a cute little waterfront area, very touristy, but full of gift shops, art galleries, and other places that're just fun to poke around in. We stopped for fudge from NazBro Chocolates, and I hit up 13 Magickal Moons for some supplies (it's harvest time, and I also have a lot to work on). After doing some walking and shopping, we picked up a couple slices of pie from Mom's Apple Pie Co. and went looking for a park.

I will freely admit that, though there were a lot of things I didn't like about living in Virginia, their parks are gorgeous. I loved being close to Prince William Forest Park, and I wanted to go back. Not being up to another half hour of driving, we chose Occoquan Regional Park instead.

You guys, I'm so happy we did! It's right on the water, so it was breezy and cool. The trails are paved, so it was much easier for someone with balance and mobility issues (hi, hello, it me) to navigate. You can rent kayaks for about $40 for an entire day. (We didn't this time, but we're definitely going back.) The weather was beautiful, I had a belly full of delicious coconut cream pie, and it was a great way to spend time with my S.O. I couldn't've asked for a nicer way to spend an anniversary.

[caption id="attachment_3709" align="aligncenter" width="513"] Seriously.[/caption]

I'm kind of paying for it this week, though -- while it was fantastic to feel well enough to do all of that this weekend, I have definitely pushed myself more than I have in awhile. Exercising regularly, though I can't do much more than light upper body stuff, yoga, squats, and walking, has definitely helped. Unfortunately, the past couple of days have been a sharp reminder that I'm still a very long way from "well." But, whaddya gonna do? I have a sleep mask, ice packs, a pile of pillows to keep my head elevated, and a hospital three minutes away if I need an emergency LP. There's not much else I need, other than time to recuperate.

How was your weekend?