Thursday, June 15, 2017

The PNW Needs to Quit Hogging All the Good Cryptids.

If you watched or read the news yesterday, you probably know about the man who opened fire on a group of Republicans practicing for a charity baseball game. It's natural to expect someone writing a post the day after to say something about it, but I don't really know what there is to say and you probably don't really need some random blogger to tell you that shootings are sad. This event is a complex thing that isn't easily distilled into, "He was mentally ill," or "We're all on the same side, Democrat, Republican, or otherwise," unlike what many news outlets and politicians have said in response.
It's definitely too big for some blogger to give a cogent, worthwhile response to, so, instead, here's a thing I wrote about Bigfoot.

I'm not gonna lie, I am an unapologetic goofball when it comes to cryptids.

(For real, if any potential sponsors out there want to offer me a comped trip -- send me to the Pacific northwest to look for bigfoot. I will make sure you don't regret it.)

This is why, as much as I love where I live, I fear I will feel a small, perpetual twinge of jealousy that I don't live somewhere with better monsters. Even Chicago's been having Mothman sightings lately. I mean, what've we got? These nerds? The Goatman? Don't get me wrong -- a scientist becoming hideously mutated as retribution for his cruel experiments on goats is neat and all, but he's no Batsquatch.

My S.O. is from Ohio, and his feelings about this fact can best be described as "lukewarm." I'm forever finding things that we absolutely have to do the next time we visit the state, though. So far, I've got a visit to The Crystal Cave and the Heineman winery, camping in Ohio Bigfoot territory, and a trip through Loveland to see if we spot the Frog. (I realize this dramatically increases the odds of me dying in some kind of bizarre bad-found-footage-horror-movie-incident, but that is but one of the sacrifices I am willing to make to bring you the hard-hitting dumbass journalism you come here for.)

[caption id="attachment_3581" align="aligncenter" width="514"] Just look at this adorable weirdo. (Depiction by Tim Bertelink. CC BY-SA 4.0)[/caption]

I'm from Long Island. We basically have nothing cool adventure-wise, to the point where my friends and I used to think it was a neat idea to explore sewers for fun. (People got all excited about the Montauk Monster years ago, but the furor swiftly died down once it was discovered to be a super gross raccoon.) I don't really plan on visiting L.I. in the near future, which is good -- all of the really fun sewers are probably fenced off by now. The best I could do would be to camp out near the shore with my my fingers crossed and hope a globster floats up.

If you like cryptids and cryptid-adjacent things, you might enjoy giving these a listen: One is The Last Podcast on the Left's episode on Bigfoot, while, in the other, The F Plus Ridiculists explore the metaphysical powers of Hawaiian Sasquatch and their similarity to dolphins. I'll be sitting on my windowsill with binoculars and hoping Batsquatch makes a detour.

Are there any cool monster legends where you live? And can I stay on your couch while I look for them?


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